My entire adult hood i have held AT LEAST on job, sometimes ranging up to three. I prided myself on making my own money, paying my own bills, and not leaning on my parents like my other siblings. Throughout cosmetology school, I attended school full time and lived off loans. There were times toward the end; i did have to lean on my parents, then shortly after there were even more times. I am also currently under different circumstances. Not only did i quit my job, i picked up and moved with my husband.
Over the past four months, my whole personality has changed. I have slowly faded from an outgoing, happy go lucky, confident person into a standoffish, lonely, and lowly person. With every declined application, every rejected interview, and every day spent alone, i am more capable of being completely alone. Life alone has become easier, but its not something i wanted. Instead i want my old life back. The life that was satisfying. The life that didn't involve spending 12 hours alone on a couch waiting for my husband. A life in which i didn't even have cable, let alone a line up of shows to fill a regular persons work day. I also miss the non feeling. Each day i did not wake up dreading my life. I did not wake up and count down the 4 days of loneliness only to be saved by my husbands 3 day weekend. People reading this will say, go out and do something, get a job, and quit complaining. Unless you too have been subjected to this life, don't even begin to judge.
Everyday i worry about my health, my well being, my mental state, and employment. Everyday i am depressed by my current situation, and the ability to motivate myself is not there. Most of all, i am afraid that this is going to continue.
In conclusion, if you live in my world of grunge, anger, loneliness, and endless rejection i feel for you. I hope you will hold your head up high, i also hope i can do the same thing.
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